James' Top 5 Funnest Black M13 Cards (with bonus flavor fails)

A list of my top 5 most fun black cards from M13 would have been enough, right? That would have been sufficient, web Brofficer Joe? But I don't roll that way. That's tooooo easy. My list is the top 5 most fun cards that, just for the lolz....ALSO include a flavor fail.

5. Tormented Soul

This card is like a first date. So much potential. If you play your...cards right, you might a feel...for what winning a game of Magic is like. But it takes work: a Mark of the Vampire, some exalted dudes, etc. This card is a metaphor for our lives...guys that look like us need help, and this card does too.

James' Flavor Fail Bonus!!!

Why do souls have clothes? If he can't be blocked because he's a spirit, why can he hurt you? I stay up at night a lot thinking about that. Well, I did once.

4. Public Execution

 

 This card has everything I want in a card. Functionality, flavor, awesome art, and a hot gir...well, no hot girl here, but I'm over it. Six mana is tough, but killing a creature is worth six mana, amiright???

James' Flavor Fail Bonus!!!

The -2/-0 until EOT is perfect. The people watching the Execution lose their will to attack. BUT WHY IN THE ART ARE THEY SO PUMPED UP?!?!?!?!?!? They look like Mel Gibson just told them to fight for their freedom. Like Gordon Bombay just told them to quack. Looking at just the picture, +2/+0 is more appropriate, which is enough to make me sadface a little.

3. Xathrid Gorgon

I didn't fully respect this card until someone played it against me. Gee. Gee. Me. Losing. Cry. Drink. Laugh. Drink. Drink. But seriously, this card is pure fun, and powerful in draft. Sweet art to boot. And it has a hot girl, which is always a plus for me.

James' Flavor Fail Bonus!!!

Petrification counters. I get it. She looks at you and you turn to stone. Becomes an artifact. Perfect. But you can still block when you're petrified? If this is the case, a stone wall would be like the best defensive creature, and they would never make a creature like th...wait what?

Oops. James Flavor Fail Bonus Fail!!!

Play the horns, bros.

2. Vampire Nighthawk

Impossible not to smile when you open a pack with the Predator. He does everything. Lifelink is so OP. Flying is so OP. Deathtouch is so OP. Moon in the art is so OP. At first, when I saw this card was reprinted I was upset, because this card just wins games by itself...but then I realized this card wins games by itself, and I was happy again.

James' Flavor Fail Bonus!!!

How does he fly? Just being in a high place doesn't mean you can fly. If that was the case, a few cards would like to have a word with this card...Mountain Goat is pissed. Cliff Threader? Not amused. Summit Apes about to throw shit.

1. Murder

This is one of those cards that, right when I saw it in the first spoiler, I knew it was cool. I started playing it and I thought, wow, cool. Now that M13 is about done, I still think, wow, cool. For 1BB, kill any creature, the name Murder, that's just beauty. Beauty in a Magic card...don't mention it on your next date though, by the way.

James' Flavor Fail Bonus!!!

Why did the person that killed him leave the sword? Kill the dude, take the sword. Seems pretty basic to me. I learned that in Lord of the Rings. On that note, let's go to Elrond for a comment:

See ya brooooos. TO RAVNICA!